Choppin.

Ban me, Try me, and Write me up
With these words allow me to sum it up
Cuz right now I really don't give a fuck!
Try what you might and do what you must,
But you ain't ever gonna break my bonds of trust.
I've been in your world, so naive and corrupt
You believe you uphold but all you do is disrupt!
I'm sick of your lies and I've had enough
I've got my game face on and I'm calling your bluff
Just sit back and relax and listen while I talk
Let me put shoes on your mouth and let you walk
While you talked all your shit, I bet you never thought
That I'd come back like this; you believed that I lost
But bitch this game ain't over it has only begun
And when this war is through, I'll be the ONLY ONE.

Letter.

These are the words I'd like to say. These are the words you refuse to hear.

I know I'm to blame for whats happened to you. There is no sugar-coating it, covering it up or trying to lay it out in some good way. I'm at fault and there is no other way to put it. Your anger is justified. Your reaction to the situation is understandable. And thats what tears my heart to pieces. The fact that what is happening to you is my fault my fault my fault my fault. If I could do anything to reverse my decisions, I would do so in a heartbeat. I'm powerless to save you from what I brought upon you.

I'm sorry. And I know I'm not worthy of your forgiveness.

Your friendship means more to me than I think you know, or ever will know. You not talking to me and shutting me out of your life is understandable as much as it shocks me. Out of all my friends and acquaintences, having you not speak to me hits me the hardest. Truthfully, I've never realized how much your friendship and relationship means to me until I lost it.

All I can say is that I'm sorry. You are such a huge, inpsiring and wonderful part of my life. I just don't know how to get that back, and asking for it may as well be asking for too much.

Transcendence.

Rising above yourself can be a difficult move to make. I mean, I know the problem. I recognize the problem. But its so f**cking hard to move on and let it go. But there is no better time then now. At some point and time a realization must be made to make the move to actually change myself. To transcend to something higher, better and newer. As such, I've decided to quit the consumption of alcohol for a year... or maybe more. For those who know me as in KNOW ME, this is one helluva unbelievable move to make. But I'm making it. I've discovered the root of my problems and I've decided to eradicate it from my life.... well, at least for year :) For those who don't believe I can do it... JUST WATCH ME. And for those who got my back... HELP ME THROUGH THIS! haha!

Before I leave I'd like to leave a small poem which has become my favorite in a matter of hours:

"Man is his own star; and the soul that can
Render an honest and a perfect man,
Commands all light, all influence, all fate;
Nothing to him falls early or too late.
Our acts our angels are, good or ill,
Our fatal shadows that walk by us still."
- Epilogue to Beaumont and Fletcher's Man's Fortune

Refreshed.

Being at the bottom doesn't necessarily mean you have to stay there. I have the best people on my side who will help me through all of this. As tough and as difficult as this situation may be, inevitable success will follow. Through sheer will, external support and especially the power of my God, I will rise. Refreshed. Restored. Renewed.

Stay tuned. The comeback is coming soon.

Buried.

Right now, I don't think being 6 feet under is such a bad idea. Or 10 feet. Or 30. The culmination of my patience and persistence seems to have gotten me no where. Thinking about solving problems hurts and hoping that those problems will be solved hurts even more. I hate this feeling of being stuck in a coffin with your hands tied and your mouth gagged, struggling against a darkness that seems to push back harder every time you try to escape. No, I'm not suicidal. My life is too amazing to be wasted. Its just that I've come to a point where everything is crashing down around me, and I can't seem to pick up the pieces fast enough. Oh, I'll be fighting all the way through. Only the outcome seems to be bleak from my perspective. What I hate and what hurts the most? The fact that I let this avalanche happen and I'm slowly being buried under it.

Senseless.

My midterms are OVER! *Hallelujah Chorus plays triumphantly in the background* How did I do, you ask... well, lets just say in a war, you win some and you lose some, but I guess I gained more than I won (I hope!). I'm just glad its over! In my two-and-a-half years in college, none of my classes had midterm exams. Sure, there were midterm quizzes (which were usually take-home) and papers, but never exams. But hey, there is a first for everything. But my academic nightmare hasn't stopped.... I have papers due this week and, needless to say, more homework. But I'm trying to keep the stress at bay...

On a brighter note, I finally got pictures of my nephew from my sister!! He's all growed up and his hair is WILD... just like his favorite uncle. I'm so ecstatic that heres an introductory pic:



You won't believe how much I miss him and as excited as I am to see him again, I don't think I wanna attempt to carry him 'cuz my baby is getting big! Seeing new pictures of him just made my day. It's funny how someone so small can affect me in such a big way. Thinking about or seeing my nephew, or hear him on the phone really brings things into focus for me and gets my day going. I love you mini-me! :)

Other than that life has been the same: ROLLING. The only thing for me is that the ball is rolling uphill... but not to worry, directions change.

I'd also like to offer shout-outs to:
* Camille on her 21st Birthday yesterday! Sorry I missed your dinner and I know you're going to be the funnest legal person I know :)

* Moresa on her 20th Birthday today! OCEAN, ia, fai fa'alelei lou happy birthday gagei... but tomorrow night, we TEAR IT UP!!!

* Ivoga... I mean, PRINCESS Ivoga on her 21st Birthday tomorrow (today, actually, since its 12 o'clock). What're we doing? OH... OH... OH... DUH! We gonna do that! What else is there to do? LOL. Lets go to Waianae and do how the Waianae-ans do! Hahaha!

Aight. Gotta hit the sack.

Standstill.

This weekend more or less went the way I planned. I did the whole have fun part but hella neglected the study and homework part (that is totally gonna bite me in the ass!). White Sunday was off the hook!! I hella regret not participating this semester, but I will in the future. This weekend was sort of like a "Samoan" Weekend for me. It was fun to just cruise with my LOS/Samoan Aiga these past few days. I mean, to just cruise with people who you can talk to in Samoan and especially remembering all those "when-we-was-little-white-sunday" stories from back home felt really....great. It felt like I was back home :) Monday was especially great because I got to spend it with my Samoan Aiga, chingin, drinking, eating, playing games, laughing, talking and just relaxing and having a good time. I hope more days like this are to come. haha!

On another note, my life is still in a standstill, so to speak. I mean, I'm trying to move forward and progress but this shit is harder than I thought. Which means I just have to try harder and harder. I know things will pull through, but I just need to work harder and get the forces to work in my favor. "With God with you WHO (or WHAT) can be against you?" I trust and believe that my Lord will pull me through.

Also, as some of you may noticed I've also been posting poetry in my blogs. First, YES I write all my pieces. Second, NO they are not all derived from personal/real experiences. I'm inspired by everything and everyone around me, so the poems might not be about me at all.... it might be about you! haha!

Other than that... midterms SUCK! And I hate being busy with all this stuff, and I'm trying to take one day at a time. HOLLA to all those people (Friends & Family) who've kept me on the right track and helped me out in these difficult time. I LUH JUUU ALLLL! LOL.

Aight. Gotta hit the books. (or sleep on them. haha!)