Choppin.

Ban me, Try me, and Write me up
With these words allow me to sum it up
Cuz right now I really don't give a fuck!
Try what you might and do what you must,
But you ain't ever gonna break my bonds of trust.
I've been in your world, so naive and corrupt
You believe you uphold but all you do is disrupt!
I'm sick of your lies and I've had enough
I've got my game face on and I'm calling your bluff
Just sit back and relax and listen while I talk
Let me put shoes on your mouth and let you walk
While you talked all your shit, I bet you never thought
That I'd come back like this; you believed that I lost
But bitch this game ain't over it has only begun
And when this war is through, I'll be the ONLY ONE.

Letter.

These are the words I'd like to say. These are the words you refuse to hear.

I know I'm to blame for whats happened to you. There is no sugar-coating it, covering it up or trying to lay it out in some good way. I'm at fault and there is no other way to put it. Your anger is justified. Your reaction to the situation is understandable. And thats what tears my heart to pieces. The fact that what is happening to you is my fault my fault my fault my fault. If I could do anything to reverse my decisions, I would do so in a heartbeat. I'm powerless to save you from what I brought upon you.

I'm sorry. And I know I'm not worthy of your forgiveness.

Your friendship means more to me than I think you know, or ever will know. You not talking to me and shutting me out of your life is understandable as much as it shocks me. Out of all my friends and acquaintences, having you not speak to me hits me the hardest. Truthfully, I've never realized how much your friendship and relationship means to me until I lost it.

All I can say is that I'm sorry. You are such a huge, inpsiring and wonderful part of my life. I just don't know how to get that back, and asking for it may as well be asking for too much.

Transcendence.

Rising above yourself can be a difficult move to make. I mean, I know the problem. I recognize the problem. But its so f**cking hard to move on and let it go. But there is no better time then now. At some point and time a realization must be made to make the move to actually change myself. To transcend to something higher, better and newer. As such, I've decided to quit the consumption of alcohol for a year... or maybe more. For those who know me as in KNOW ME, this is one helluva unbelievable move to make. But I'm making it. I've discovered the root of my problems and I've decided to eradicate it from my life.... well, at least for year :) For those who don't believe I can do it... JUST WATCH ME. And for those who got my back... HELP ME THROUGH THIS! haha!

Before I leave I'd like to leave a small poem which has become my favorite in a matter of hours:

"Man is his own star; and the soul that can
Render an honest and a perfect man,
Commands all light, all influence, all fate;
Nothing to him falls early or too late.
Our acts our angels are, good or ill,
Our fatal shadows that walk by us still."
- Epilogue to Beaumont and Fletcher's Man's Fortune

Refreshed.

Being at the bottom doesn't necessarily mean you have to stay there. I have the best people on my side who will help me through all of this. As tough and as difficult as this situation may be, inevitable success will follow. Through sheer will, external support and especially the power of my God, I will rise. Refreshed. Restored. Renewed.

Stay tuned. The comeback is coming soon.

Buried.

Right now, I don't think being 6 feet under is such a bad idea. Or 10 feet. Or 30. The culmination of my patience and persistence seems to have gotten me no where. Thinking about solving problems hurts and hoping that those problems will be solved hurts even more. I hate this feeling of being stuck in a coffin with your hands tied and your mouth gagged, struggling against a darkness that seems to push back harder every time you try to escape. No, I'm not suicidal. My life is too amazing to be wasted. Its just that I've come to a point where everything is crashing down around me, and I can't seem to pick up the pieces fast enough. Oh, I'll be fighting all the way through. Only the outcome seems to be bleak from my perspective. What I hate and what hurts the most? The fact that I let this avalanche happen and I'm slowly being buried under it.

Senseless.

My midterms are OVER! *Hallelujah Chorus plays triumphantly in the background* How did I do, you ask... well, lets just say in a war, you win some and you lose some, but I guess I gained more than I won (I hope!). I'm just glad its over! In my two-and-a-half years in college, none of my classes had midterm exams. Sure, there were midterm quizzes (which were usually take-home) and papers, but never exams. But hey, there is a first for everything. But my academic nightmare hasn't stopped.... I have papers due this week and, needless to say, more homework. But I'm trying to keep the stress at bay...

On a brighter note, I finally got pictures of my nephew from my sister!! He's all growed up and his hair is WILD... just like his favorite uncle. I'm so ecstatic that heres an introductory pic:



You won't believe how much I miss him and as excited as I am to see him again, I don't think I wanna attempt to carry him 'cuz my baby is getting big! Seeing new pictures of him just made my day. It's funny how someone so small can affect me in such a big way. Thinking about or seeing my nephew, or hear him on the phone really brings things into focus for me and gets my day going. I love you mini-me! :)

Other than that life has been the same: ROLLING. The only thing for me is that the ball is rolling uphill... but not to worry, directions change.

I'd also like to offer shout-outs to:
* Camille on her 21st Birthday yesterday! Sorry I missed your dinner and I know you're going to be the funnest legal person I know :)

* Moresa on her 20th Birthday today! OCEAN, ia, fai fa'alelei lou happy birthday gagei... but tomorrow night, we TEAR IT UP!!!

* Ivoga... I mean, PRINCESS Ivoga on her 21st Birthday tomorrow (today, actually, since its 12 o'clock). What're we doing? OH... OH... OH... DUH! We gonna do that! What else is there to do? LOL. Lets go to Waianae and do how the Waianae-ans do! Hahaha!

Aight. Gotta hit the sack.

Standstill.

This weekend more or less went the way I planned. I did the whole have fun part but hella neglected the study and homework part (that is totally gonna bite me in the ass!). White Sunday was off the hook!! I hella regret not participating this semester, but I will in the future. This weekend was sort of like a "Samoan" Weekend for me. It was fun to just cruise with my LOS/Samoan Aiga these past few days. I mean, to just cruise with people who you can talk to in Samoan and especially remembering all those "when-we-was-little-white-sunday" stories from back home felt really....great. It felt like I was back home :) Monday was especially great because I got to spend it with my Samoan Aiga, chingin, drinking, eating, playing games, laughing, talking and just relaxing and having a good time. I hope more days like this are to come. haha!

On another note, my life is still in a standstill, so to speak. I mean, I'm trying to move forward and progress but this shit is harder than I thought. Which means I just have to try harder and harder. I know things will pull through, but I just need to work harder and get the forces to work in my favor. "With God with you WHO (or WHAT) can be against you?" I trust and believe that my Lord will pull me through.

Also, as some of you may noticed I've also been posting poetry in my blogs. First, YES I write all my pieces. Second, NO they are not all derived from personal/real experiences. I'm inspired by everything and everyone around me, so the poems might not be about me at all.... it might be about you! haha!

Other than that... midterms SUCK! And I hate being busy with all this stuff, and I'm trying to take one day at a time. HOLLA to all those people (Friends & Family) who've kept me on the right track and helped me out in these difficult time. I LUH JUUU ALLLL! LOL.

Aight. Gotta hit the books. (or sleep on them. haha!)

Word.

I'll size you up / Then chop you down / With just one word / I'll be sure you drown / My tongue is quick / My brain is faster / I'll take you on a trip / 'Cause I'm the boss' master / I walk my talk / And I talk my shit / I got shoes on my tongue / You know I run this / I'll use one word / Or I'll use plenty / You know I run first class / Bitch I'm Gentry / Whats your weapon of choice? / Don't talk before you think / 'Cause you've already lost / As soon as I begin to speak / You can tie my hands / You can gouge my eyes / But if I have my tongue / I'll never die! / People turn to dust / And memories fade / But words are immortal / 'Cause with words we are made / Do what you like / Until the end of days / But as long as I'm around / I'll always get my say.

E.W. Wendt[101208]

LovesMeNot

She loves me
She loves me not
Pushing me away
Pulling me back in
She gives me no thought
She thinks she'll win
Plucking my heart
Like petals from a flower
I fall to the ground
And she'll just get another
Its easy for her
Like picking out jewelry
A different one each day
But this bitch don't know me
Because...
She loves me
She loves me not
She nags and complains
At the little shit I forgot
She won't care to remember
The Gucci?
The Louis?
The Diamonds?
The Jewelry?
All the shit that I bought!
She blows up my phone
But she won't blow me
She wants independence
But she won't free me
Complaining about commitment
But I can't commit without trust
'Cause all shes waiting to do
Is break out a bust
Trying to catch me in a lie
About who I been with
Or where I been going
It doesn't matter how hard I try
She'll just judge before knowing
Because...
She loves me
She loves me not
She tears at my emotions
Like a Forget-Me-Not
But Bitch I ain't a flower
My heart doesn't have petals
But it has a pulse
Listen to its beat
'Cause it sounds like this:
Dishes breaking
Bags dragging
You nagging
Me laughing
Footsteps walking
Door slamming
Car zooming
Me? Fucking...
Yeah, I'm with another
And this I won't regret
Not here
Not now
Not ever
Yall complain about players
Yall complain about the game
But bitch you are the reason
You made me this way!
So when you get another man
Wisely consider your thoughts
But as for me
I loved you
I love you not.

E.W. Wendt[101108]

Anticipation.

The weekend is upon us, but it don't feel like it. Maybe its the fact that I haven't had a good nights sleep since Tuesday. Maybe its the crappy weather. Or maybe its just an omen that this weekend will suck. Well, I'm praying it doesn't. I'm anticipating many things these coming days: catching up on homework & my studies, White Sunday (on Sunday, duh!), a long deserved HOLIDAY (thank the Lord for Columbus! haha!) and especially looking towards actually doing something I've been looking to do since the longest time everrrrrrr-errrr-errr. LOL. I mean, it might not be the way I expect it to be, but hey, beggars can't be choosers! haha!

Speaking of White Sunday, I suppose some of you don't know the actual concept behind this special "Samoan" Sunday. They way I explain it flows like this: You know how theres a Mother's day and a Father's day? Well White Sunday is sorta like a Children's day, so to speak. In Samoan we call it "Lotu Tamaiti" which literally translates to Children's Sunday. We call it White Sunday in English because all the kids (and when Samoans say "kids", they mean anyone who is under 30 and/or doesn't have children. LOL) get decked out in the whitest & cleanest ie lavalavas and puletasis.

On White Sunday, the kids do memory verses, and sometimes sermons, sing songs, lead prayers and perform skits. After the morning service, the family throws a huge feast for the children, and this may be the only time the kids get to eat what they want. When I say huge, I mean it in every sense of the word... the parents go ALL OUT with the food its crazy! (Maybe that explains why we're so big. LOL) For the evening service, the older kids (a.k.a the youth) usually put on plays/skits from the Bible or stories pertaining to some Biblical lesson.

All this talk about White Sunday makes me hella miss home. Growing up I DREADED White Sunday. I wasn't the most outgoing of kids, but when White Sunday came around, you threw your shyness out the door..... or your parents threw something at you! LOL. Fo'reals! We had to memorize lines and lines and lines of Bible Passages, more lines of songs (WITH actions!) and also your lines in the skits and plays. And Samoan parents really expect a lot out of their kids when they go up on stage to recite their memory verses (more like a sermon LOL), sing their songs and act out their parts in the play. And you weren't allowed to be shy, to cry and to say you didn't want to do it..... because you really DON'T have a choice in the matter. HAHA! Besides, the amount of food and treats you receive usually depends on how you do up on that stage. Believe me, when it comes down to it, its a great motivator! haha!

Ah well... no matter how much I may miss Samoa, I know I'm out here for my family and I gotta do the best I can here... for me but especially them. Family is everything in Samoa and they only come second to God, who is first in our lives and hearts.

Damn. I wrote more than I intended to. If this was a paper I'd edit some shit out, but yeah.... I won't. So read the damn thing. HAHA!

Have a great weekend homies and fa'sho I'll keep you posted if anything interesting happens :)

Procrastinate.

So I'm supposed to be studying for a midterm tomorrow, but evidently, that ain't happening. Don't worry, I'll get to it in a minute, or an hour, or a few hours... haha! Anyway, I was thinking about the whole U.S. economic situation and even though it sounds crazy, I don't think I'm that worried. Crash or no crash, I think I'll be good. I mean, when I think about it, if the economy does come crashing down, I'll just fly myself back to Samoa and live off of my land. No Realtor. No mortgage. No landlord. Just me, the coconuts, breadfruits, bananas, taro, pigs, chickens and all that good FREE stuff. I mean, Hooray for the American Economy, but c'mon, everyone has to have a backup plan... and I'm super confident in mine (in theory at least! haha!).

Also, I've had inquiries as to what "H.T.W" signifies, which is what I sign my blogs with. Obviously it has nothing to do with my name, well not really, but it has everything to do with who I am. H.T.W. is (well, one of the many variations) my maternal grandfather's initials: Henry Trood Wendt, known to us as Papa. He was of Samoan and German descent and built his family up from almost nothing. He was a hard working individual who never settled for less. He raised 24 children (yes, that is the correct number and yes, our family reunions are crazy... at least in theory because we haven't had one yet due to the humongous-ness of our family. LOL) and several of the mulitudes of grandchildren, and instilled the values to them that are still a focal point of my family. Unfortunately, Papa passed on before I could meet him, but when I hear stories of him and what he's done, I feel closer to him than ever. So there it is... H.T.W.

Alright, alright. Back to studying. Pray for me yall. And my prayers with all of you who are taking midterms. Ace that shit and give Chamiande a run for its money! Haha!

Shoutout to my bruhs... Family Business... for keeping shit real and starting me on this blog shit. Now I can't stop. Hahaha!

Faika.

As some of you may have noticed, I deleted a post. I do not want my blog to be fuckin faika/gossip central, because that wasn't my intention, and if deleting a post prevents that then so be it. Get your juicy information from someone else. Im out.

Her.

She's got style
She's got swag
She's my homie
And I'm her man.

She sways her hips
And I see you look
You checkin her goods,
She got you hooked.

She smells so sweet
But tastes even better
I'm caught in her spell
And leave her, I'll never.

Yall can look
But don't ever touch
'Cause me and my girl,
We bad as fuck!

She's a bomb on her own
But with me she's a killah
She's the answer to all my questions,
She's my breakfast, lunch and dinner.

I can't go a day without her
She's my daily medication
And at night she does amazing things
I don't ever need to mention.

What God has brought together
Let no one tear apart
'Cause this girl right here
Is the one who holds my heart.

With her there ain't no games
There ain't no playa in her eyes
I left the games to the boys
And I won a man's prize.

She's not the girl of my dreams
'Cause I'm all about reality
And what me and my girl have
Is as real as it can be.

She's got style
She's got swag
She's my homie
And I'll always be her man.

-E.W. Wendt [100908]

Nostalgic.

I'm missing the dude I used to be. I'm missing my high ambition & my drive. I'm missing the qualities that got me so far in life. If I went back in time four years ago, I wouldn't recognize the person I've become today. I know change is inevitable, but not all change can be good. I used to be that guy who didn't give a fukc about going out or cruisin. I used to be that guy that had a goal, a plan and focus. I seemed to have lost my focus and drive to attain my goals. I mean, I know where I want to go and where I want to be in life, but so far shit just ain't flowin my way. Idk I guess its just a dose of nostalgia. I miss the me I used to be and I hope I become him again. Someday :)

Revealing.

I've decided to unveil my damn self on this blog because trying to keep this anonymous ain't the easiest thing in the world to do. HELLO WORLD! My name doesn't matter, but you can call me Mannyfresh. Enough said.

Now its down to business...

This weekend was alright. Friday was my laundry-homework night. Saturday morning I had fun chillen and washing cars with my L.O.S Aiga. It was just like them old days... washing cars and washing each other! Haha! Later on that night we hit up Do Re Mi Karaoke for a birthday party, and needless to say that shit was poppin! Do Re Mi is da place to be! HAHA! Sunday was pretty cruise and it was the kind of day I needed :) Pictures are forthcoming.

On the real... I'm still trying to figure out my life. I still haven't received word on a job or a place, but Imma be patient and pray everything works out. Today is WTF Monday because thats exactly how I'm feeling. ("Rainy days and mondays always get me down"... haha!) I feel weirdly disconnected from everyone today. I don't know why but maybe its just one of those days. Or maybe its just because I have two exams today that I am hella NOT peprared for. To quote a wise friend I'll call Ariola... "AH, FUCK MY LIFE!" Hahaha.

People.

People have been irritating me all damn day, and if I knocked someone's lights out, I swear I wouldn't be regretting it any time soon. People are funny. They're like a bunch of scattered glass, and you have to be careful to step around them but not ON them, just in case they break. People love drama. Girls love drama. Guys love drama. Yo mama loves drama. I admit I get drama in my life, but I like to keep that shit on the D.L. It annoys the fack outta me when people bring drama to me. Sure I'll have an open ear (or both, if I like you) for your problems, but when you cross the line and try to bring me into YOUR SHIT... nah man, I'm not going for that business. Keep yo drama fo yo mama if you don't know how to handle it. Get over your damn high school shit and move on. Another thing, DON'T try to get all invovled in shit you have no business putting yo big ass nose in. If it's an A and B conversation, don't try and insert your C. Me? I tell people what I want them to hear and I keep the rest for myself. The best kept secrets are the ones that are between you and God... fack man, I don't even trust the wind... haha.

Stuck.

Today just isn't my f**king day. I have hella shit to do but I'm too damn irritated, worried, angry and distracted to actually do anything. Actually, the past couple of weeks have been the worst I've experienced. I lost a job and a place to stay, and I'm hella fighting to keep my head above the water. Everyone says its gonna be okay but I also know what they're thinking but not saying: that it was my fault. I know the mistake I made and now I'm paying for it and I thank them for not reminding me of it. I'm realizing how ill equipped I am to deal with this shit. I'm literally living off of the kindness of friends & strangers and although I know God is with me, I seriously don't know how I'm going to deal with this shit. I need a job, I need to find a place and to top it off I'm stressing and fighting to keep my grades up and my ass in school. I tell people that I'm good but it ain't the truth. I'm sick of staying up when everything is going downhill. I feel like I'm stuck and shit just ain't moving and nothing is going my way. I know God never gives us situations we cannot handle, but I think I'm on the brink of losing it on this one...

Awkward

I never thought I'd be doing this blog bullshit. My friends are cool and they have blogs, so maybe I should have one too. Its just like doing drugs because its cool and everyone does it. DUH! Sure I post random shit on my MySpace, but it isn't the same. I don't know why I'm doing this so don't ask. I don't care that anyone reads this or not. I may or may not make future posts after this one. I'm a random kind of guy so my posts will reflect that. If you know who this is, woop-de-fuckin-doo! give yourself a cookie and pat yourself on your hairy back. If you don't then don't ask. I most likely will not be posting pictures, and if I do it means something. Videos and music are probably going to go up because I'm cool like that. If I rant about situations and persons up on this, it will probably be in some code because I don't want to hurt their feelings (or maybe I will). Okay, I think thats it for now. Stop reading and get back to the real world.